Where do I begin? I feel as though there are not enough words I can write to truly express all of the emotions that consume me on a regular basis knowing that you are gone. There are so many words I wish I could say to you, so many calls I wish I could make, so many moments I look at, wondering if you are somewhere off in a distant place watching me with pride.
The way in which you left this world was too abrupt. I wasn’t given the proper time to tell you everything I wanted to say. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you how much you truly mean to me, how much I need you in my life, how big of an impact you’ve had on me. I look back at our time spent together, knowing that I could have done more to be better—to do better, to be better to you and for you.
There are so many conversations I want to take back—how I wish I could rewind time and take the cruel insults I slurred at you in haste and anger back and swallow them whole. I feel like a beast—a demon—for speaking to you so cruelly. I wish I had known then, what I know now—you never know when a word spoken can be the last.
I wonder so often if you are angry at me. I wonder so often if you are at peace. I wonder so often if you are looking down on me, missing me, cheering me on, loving me from afar.
There are countless times in a day when I see your face. There are moments where I feel your energy invade my world. When the sun is shining down on my face, and the warmth hugs my body like an embrace, I often wonder if that is you—saying hello. When I drive with the windows down, the cold air tickles my cheek, sending chills down my spine, I wonder if that is you—checking in. When the spring flowers begin to bloom, and the air smells like crisp cut grass, and the birds are chirping loudly, I wonder if this is you—saying you care.
I look back at life with regret sometimes, knowing I could have changed so many things, if only I had paid more attention to what truly mattered. But, I know that it would not make me who I am today, if I had changed my past. I know that the trials we had gone through were there for a reason, and while I regret many things that have slipped away, I know inside that you loved me all the same.
There is never a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. There are moments I know you would cherish, enjoy, thrive through, and love. There are memories I wish you were here to be a part of. Stories I wish you could hear. Songs I wish you could sing. Experiences I wish you could have.
While you are no longer here, living with me, I know wherever you are, you’re shining bright laughing and smiling for me.
My angel in heaven, wherever you may be, please know that you are missed.