An Open Letter To My Angel In Heaven

Where do I begin? I feel as though there are not enough words I can write to truly express all of the emotions that consume me on a regular basis knowing that you are gone. There are so many words I wish I could say to you, so many calls I wish I could make, so many moments I look at, wondering if you are somewhere off in a distant place watching me with pride.

The way in which you left this world was too abrupt. I wasn’t given the proper time to tell you everything I wanted to say. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you how much you truly mean to me, how much I need you in my life, how big of an impact you’ve had on me. I look back at our time spent together, knowing that I could have done more to be better—to do better, to be better to you and for you.

There are so many conversations I want to take back—how I wish I could rewind time and take the cruel insults I slurred at you in haste and anger back and swallow them whole. I feel like a beast—a demon—for speaking to you so cruelly. I wish I had known then, what I know now—you never know when a word spoken can be the last.

I wonder so often if you are angry at me. I wonder so often if you are at peace. I wonder so often if you are looking down on me, missing me, cheering me on, loving me from afar.

There are countless times in a day when I see your face. There are moments where I feel your energy invade my world. When the sun is shining down on my face, and the warmth hugs my body like an embrace, I often wonder if that is you—saying hello. When I drive with the windows down, the cold air tickles my cheek, sending chills down my spine, I wonder if that is you—checking in. When the spring flowers begin to bloom, and the air smells like crisp cut grass, and the birds are chirping loudly, I wonder if this is you—saying you care.

I look back at life with regret sometimes, knowing I could have changed so many things, if only I had paid more attention to what truly mattered. But, I know that it would not make me who I am today, if I had changed my past. I know that the trials we had gone through were there for a reason, and while I regret many things that have slipped away, I know inside that you loved me all the same.

There is never a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. There are moments I know you would cherish, enjoy, thrive through, and love. There are memories I wish you were here to be a part of. Stories I wish you could hear. Songs I wish you could sing. Experiences I wish you could have.

While you are no longer here, living with me, I know wherever you are, you’re shining bright laughing and smiling for me.

My angel in heaven, wherever you may be, please know that you are missed.

Lex Gabrielle

Written by Lex Gabrielle

Lex is a writer from New York City who supports messy buns and all things covered in buffalo sauce. You can find her in your local coffee shop buried in social media and celebrity content, listening to Led Zeppelin on full volume.