Happy Friday! We know most of you are only moments away from the sweet embrace of the weekend and what better way to celebrate than by reading some of the funniest tweets from women this week?
These are some of the best jokes Twitter had to offer from our favorite comedic ladies and you might just pee your pants from laughter.
people who have their phone on military time: what do you have to prove
— kelly (@kelllicopter) March 14, 2019
me: I'm going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) March 13, 2019
A brief survey of my own text messages is making me wonder if I'm gonna talk like this forever. Like am I going to be 90 years old schlepping my walker around the nursing home & poking my head into friends rooms like "hello my good bitch, the edible you gave me was tight"
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) March 14, 2019
I tried to do a split this morning in the classroom with the kids. I got halfway down and one of the little boys said "That's enough Miss Shawn." And he was right.
— That's Enough, Miss Shawn. (@thepbg) March 13, 2019
At the end of the day, all I can hope for is that the therapists of the guys I’m dating see my side of the story
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 11, 2019
are there any three words more efficiently humbling than “upper lip too?”
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 12, 2019
7-eleven cashier asked what i was having for dinner and instead of saying ham sandwich i accidentally said "hlam" and then they just kept chanting "hlam sandwich" at me until i left the store
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 14, 2019
When people ask if I have kids, I find it's easiest to just say "I don't know."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 14, 2019
When I invite you over and say I’m cooking fusion, just know it means I’m combining leftover takeout.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 12, 2019
my cute thing is I spend thousands of dollars on clothes & only ever wear one turtleneck from zara
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) March 11, 2019
Statistics say 70% of men save the noise they should be making during sex for the gym.
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) March 10, 2019
My three year old thinks he is ACTUALLY British thanks to Peppa Pig. The other day he mentioned how he hadn't seen a neighbor boy outside in awhile and said "Perhaps he's on holiday." 💀
— Grace Terbrock (@graceterbrock) March 13, 2019
Women can always tell when you look at our boobs. It doesn't matter how quickly you glance. One second is like five seconds in boob time.
— Badass Julia Wei (@badassjuliawei) March 11, 2019
this is how ice cream sandwiches are made. still hungry? pic.twitter.com/CKPDbtGsVm
— Queen Bean (@MishaQuinnH) March 9, 2019
Shazam, but for what everyone's deal is.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 15, 2019