Poor Ted Cruz is really going through some stuff right now. Sure, he technically “won” his Senate election, but he did so by an embarrassingly narrow margin. And he only eked out that victory by begging his former rival Donald Trump—the man who insulted his wife and accused his father of aiding the Kennedy assassination—to drag him limping across the finish line.
In another humiliating parallel to the 2016 GOP presidential primary, Cruz seemed to choke when confronted with a charismatic candidate. His flailing attacks—like knocking O’Rourke for such unforgivable sins as playing in a band—backfired spectacularly.
And in the final blow to whatever slimy smear of self-esteem Cruz had tucked away, O’Rourke’s impressive showing puts him closer to the presidency than Ted Cruz will ever be—he’s already considered a strong contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential primary.
All of these things might be why Cruz was spotted plaintively gazing at a picture of O’Rourke during the campaign.
Per Politico: Ted Cruz was spotted on his phone on a flight back from DC looking at a photo of Beto O'Rourke.
— andrew kaczynski (@KFILE) September 25, 2018
After suffering what can only be described as a “humiliating victory,” Ted Cruz was spotted sporting a… “beard”? (If you can call it that? I don’t think I’d call it that.) And it’s, uh, it’s something.
Ted Cruz grew a beard over Thanksgiving! pic.twitter.com/g8I58uPn9o
— Joe Perticone (@JoePerticone) November 26, 2018
Ok, this is not a beard, it’s some kind of lichen or fungus or mildew that’s found a home clinging to Cruz’s moist jowls. He doesn’t need a barber, he needs a botanist—and one that specializes in the kinds of damp growths that thrive underneath rocks.
Hopefully this is a signal that Cruz is living the best version of his pathetic existence because Twitter really ripped him a new one:
No he absolutely did not. https://t.co/LQqrGxAGcq
— Ken Tremendous (@KenTremendous) November 27, 2018
No, those are flies. https://t.co/Y1S5AASoHd
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 26, 2018
c u r s e d i m a g e https://t.co/3AngHu1h1C
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) November 26, 2018
Ted Cruz grew a shitty beard to distract us from the fact that he can’t grow a regular looking beard
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 27, 2018
Congrats to bad-breakup Wolverine https://t.co/cN3FgvWBOu
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 26, 2018
Even Ted Cruz’s facial hair is reluctant to be seen in public with him pic.twitter.com/jj00XzXsA3
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) November 27, 2018
Ted Cruz’s beard looks like he attempted the world’s worst Wolverine cosplay. pic.twitter.com/t6t2dLOBcY
— Adam Best (@adamcbest) November 27, 2018
He grew a dim memory of mutton chops. https://t.co/n7BpskDxH0
— John Levenstein (@johnlevenstein) November 26, 2018
The beard Ted Cruz thinks he has versus the beard of Ted Cruz in reality. pic.twitter.com/wkFG7b2uSP
— 🏝Kim (@kim) November 27, 2018
Cliff Clavin grew a better beard than Ted Cruz. pic.twitter.com/P8qcgHqFy6
— LeviGibian (@LeviGibian) November 27, 2018