20 Crimes Against Food Committed By People Who Can’t Wait To Get To Hell

I’m not one to be too judgmental in life—you do what makes you happy, and as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else (or the planet), I have no problem with you. But there’s one thing I won’t abide, and that’s sins against food.

There is something wrong with the things some people eat. I have seen people eat peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches like it’s perfectly normal and not the most disgusting thing on the planet.

Well, it turns out that’s actually not the most disgusting thing, because over on Reddit, people shared the grossest foods they’ve eaten and I’m just so sorry in advance.

1. It turns out a disturbing number of people have mixed liquor and cereal.

A former friend of mine once poured a can of Coors Light into a bowl of Cheerios. He called it Beerios.

feral_hippie

2. Like this St. Patrick’s Day abomination.

One time, a long time ago, I ate lucky charms with Guinness as a St Patrick’s day bastardization. I would not recommend

Monster-Zero

3. Many have committed food crimes with ketchup.

A watermelon and ketchup sadwich. I call it a sadwich because it makes me sad.

ilikememes1123

4. Same goes for soda.

When I was a server, I had a customer dip her bread in a glass of Coke. She finished her whole bread basket and Coke and asked for another basket and another refill of Coke, and went to town again for round two. She didn’t give a crap how she looked and ate that shit like it was the best thing on Earth

Love_Bunny_22

5. This person deserves to go to jail.

A Ketchup Brownie. My cousin, this son of a b.

thoughtillness

6. This psychopath is probably already in jail.

Moms boyfriend. Crushed cheez-it crackers into his coffee. That day he ate waffles covered in spinach and fish sticks drizzled with syrup.

All the while LOUDLY smackin his lips sayin “uuuh so goooood.”

HumansAreGarbage2019

7. This woman makes me furious.

Went to college with this one girl who would get a chef salad, slice up banana and put it on said chef salad, then use ketchup as dressing. I shit you not this person ate that on a regular basis.

aricberg

9. What is wrong with people?

I used to be obsessed with A1. I would put it on everything possible because I loved it so much. One day I put it on jello. I no longer enjoy A1.

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10. This is an actual sin.

My mom puts peanut butter on cold pizza. It is the closest flavor to vomit that is not vomit.

Beneficial_Fudge

11. This is absolutely grounds for divorce.

My wife dips PBJ’s into spaghettios.

Tinkliwinks

12. Are you gagging yet?

When I visited my aunt’s family as a kid she served a “purple cow” – milk mixed with grape juice – for breakfast.If you haven’t tasted that, take my word for it – it’s not a great concoction.

DWright_5

13. This guy should have been 86’ed.

I used to work as a bartender. One day, a middle-aged man walked in and ordered a beer with milk.

Me: “Excuse me? You want the milk in the same glass as the beer?” Customer: “Correct.”

So I poured him the beer and added milk in the same glass. It looked disgusting to me. I gave him the drink, he paid for it, happily drank his beer-milk and left.

fadeinthelight

14. This child was the spawn of satan.

Kid I used to know in school used to rip open his milk carton, and dip his burrito into the chocolate milk. Sometimes he’d even goes so far as to rip open the burrito and pour his milk onto the beef and eggs to. (I’m quoting him here.) “Creamify the meat.” I don’t know man, but the word Creamify is just. ugh.

ZuckerRavioli

15. This man’s crime against eggs cannot be forgiven.

Dude in my dining hall had a plate of sunny side up eggs. Scooped under an egg with his fork, brought it up to his mouth, and only touched his lips to the yolk. Proceeded to suck all the yolk, and then slurped the rest of the egg in. It was like a car crash, I couldn’t look away but I was horrified.

lavidalaluna

16. She was a “picky eater.”

My baby sister used to eat pancakes and ranch. My mom just accepted it because she was such a picky eater and this was something she just thoroughly enjoyed.

thatonegirlyaknow

17. This woman was on the fast track to hell.

I work at a pub/restaurant waiting tables. This couple walks in who I’ve never seen but are apparently regulars. The bartender sees them, shoots me a glance, and goes to grab something from the kitchen. Before even taking their order, he’s filled the crushed red pepper shaker and told me to take it over to them. The woman orders a small cup of French onion soup and proceeds to unscrew the cap of this shaker and dump the entirety of it onto her soup, an inch high off the top of her bowl. She’s eating this spicy red pepper like cereal and didn’t even ask for a drink refill.

actorrent

18. Crimes against CAKE. Life sentence.

I had a friend who went through a period where cake decorating was her hobby, and she made some amazing looking cakes that all tasted horrible because of the bizarre flavor combinations. It was always a bit funny because people would compliment the look of them and then have to figure out how to throw their pieces away without being rude about it. The worst one was a Christmas cake with an immaculate looking fondant Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer that was an orange spice cake covered in mint icing. It was like brushing your teeth and rinsing with orange juice in cake form.

TremulousHand

19. Now the part about people who chewed twice.

my sister would make ritz cracker sandwiches, except the thing that went between the two ritz cracker “buns” was another ritz cracker, except chewed up and spit out. it was disgusting.

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20. And now no one who reads this can ever eat Doritos again.

As a kid I would eat a whole bag of Doritos without swallowing, and then I’d spit out the pulverized chip dust and saliva mixture and roll it into a ball with my hands and then let it harden a bit in my desk at school between first and second break and then eat it again during lunch when the outside was a bit crunchy again but the inside was still moist and the consistency of a chocolate truffle.

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h/t: Reddit, Didyouknowfacts

Dean Altman

Written by Dean Altman

Dean Altman is a writer living in NYC.

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