Trying on hats? Delightful and worthy of a movie montage. Trying on shoes? A great way to de-stress and treat yourself to something nice. Trying on jeans? Basically an elaborate form of female punishment which causes us to curse our tummy, ass, and thighs in one fell swoop.
Shopping for pants (specifically, jeans) is one of the most frustrating clothing experiences ever invented, and most people have to psych themselves up before they go into a poorly-lit dressing room armed with piles of denim they already know are going to fit weird. It takes an unending supply of optimism. It takes bravery. It takes a cookie from the food court afterward to ward off the PTPS (Post-Traumatic Pants Syndrome).
Here are just a few reasons most women would rather wax their own bikini line than go shopping for jeans:
1. Trying on jeans forces you to confront your body type, head on …
Me usually: Wow I am like 85% perfect
Me after shopping for jeans for any length of time: LEAVE ME TO DIE UNDER A BRIDGE LIKE THE TROLL I AM
— kaye toal (@ohkayewhatever) January 16, 2015
2. … Which usually leaves you with 0% of your self-esteem.
I went to the mall to try on clothes, I left with nothing to wear and wishing I had never been born.
— Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles) January 25, 2016
3. Tugging denim over your thighs makes you regret most of your life choices.
Me: What did I ever do to deserve this treatment??
Jeans: You know what you did.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) May 20, 2019
4. Especially if you’re trying on skinny jeans.
Mick Jagger dances like he’s 25 and I can’t put on skinny jeans without getting winded.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 15, 2019
5. Like … for real. How do people remain dignified when they try on skinny jeans??
*Me trying to put on a pair of skinny jeans* pic.twitter.com/cXuJR3Tq09
— Rashell Habib (@RashellHa) November 5, 2018
6. It’s practically cardio, for f*ck’s sake!
I feel I do my best yoga while trying to put on skinny jeans.
— Daphne Oz (@DaphneOz) July 10, 2014
7. And let’s not even talk about the tiny, stupid little pockets that have zero use.
Before I die, I will find a use for the baby pocket of my jeans.
— The Exception. (@Not_The_Rule) May 17, 2019
8. Or the stupid embellishments clothing companies seem to think women want??
women: pockets? big enough for a phone and wallet?
fashion industry: [twirls long beard hairs] oh we’ll make bigger pockets pic.twitter.com/BL9z8rPACl
— bez (@Bez) May 3, 2019
9. The dressing rooms might as well be the 7th circle of Hell.
[trying on jeans in a dressing room]
SALES LADY: *through the thin, billowy curtain* how’s everything going in there?
ME: *somehow the jeans have caught fire and I’m swatting the flames with a hanger in my worst underwear* gotta tell ya it’s not going great Kim!!!!!!
— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 7, 2018
10. Why? Because those unforgiving mirrors and fluorescent lights make your ass cheeks look like cottage cheese!!
Radical self love is awesome until you’re in a changing room that has mirrors on all sides.
— Georgia Hardstark (@GHardstark) March 22, 2018
11. The inevitable noises are truly undignified.
The loud grunting sounds I make when putting on skinny jeans could easily be mistaken for someone trying move a grand piano by themself
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) June 23, 2016
12. Oh, and did I mention that the sizes are ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE?
Incase you’ve ever wondered why women get so frustrated with our clothing sizes – every pair of jeans pictured, is a size 12 pic.twitter.com/V88JAPQZTI
— chloe🍯 (@chloemmx) March 8, 2019
13. I mean, what are us curvy gals supposed to do when the pants fit our butts but not our waists??
the jeans buying struggle is REAL when your hips and waist are two different sizes omg
— danielle nicole 🔭 (@DaniCim) July 11, 2016
14. Seriously. The odds of finding a pair of jeans that somehow work for both your hips and your legs are right up there with getting bitten by a shark.
I am a:
🔘 pair of jeans that fit both my waist and my thighs
— saz (@sarahlostctrl) April 9, 2019
15. When you try on a pair and realize they’re actually LOW-RISE?
LOW RISE JEANS ARE NOT COMING BACK IF WE DO NOT LET THEM. PLEASE JOIN THE HIGH WAIST ALLIANCE WITH ME EVEN IF YOU ARE A MAN AND DONT KNOW WHAT THESE WORDS MEAN. Thank u
— Carrie Wittmer🐻🍊 (@carriesnotscary) January 11, 2019
16. Although, TBF, high-waisted jeans come with their own set of burdens.
sex is cool but have you ever unzipped your extremely high waisted pants and felt all your internal organs fall back in to where they belong lol
— todd bonzalez (@NECROMANClNG) September 28, 2018
17. Like, high-waisted jeans are basically corsets and we should all stop pretending otherwise.
My internal organs when I wear high waisted jeans. pic.twitter.com/Ccps8ZrNGn
— Jen Lap (@jenlapcomedy) May 1, 2019
18. And what are you gonna do? Wear those jeans around at HOME? I don’t think so, pal.
Anyone who wears jeans at home is a cop, sorry I don't make the rules. pic.twitter.com/Mu3DtdsYSO
— Abby Spice-Danvers (@clapifyoulikeme) May 13, 2019
19. Honestly, the whole process is confusing and frightening.
trying on jeans : an american horror story
— Brielle Barbusca (@BrielleBarbusca) May 23, 2018
20. Remember when shopping was fun?? Yeah, well, not anymore.
Trying on jeans is such a joyful, exciting experience!
…..Said no one ever.
— Kimberly J. Brown (@OfficialKJB) March 29, 2018
21. Sadly, the search for a good pair of jeans is a lifelong journey … which will probably never end.
But how will I spend all of my mental and emotional energy once I find the perfect pair of jeans?
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) May 1, 2019