Signs He’s Not Complicated, He’s Just A Manipulative Douchelord

I think the word “complicated,” is more and more often confused with “manipulative douchelord.” Being enigmatic is not an excuse to treat people poorly, and I think we’re increasingly using “oh, he’s just really complicated” as a validation for being treated like shit.  If you recognize some of these signs, I hate to break it to you: he’s not complicated, he’s just a manipulative douchelord:

1. Everything is going great and then a few weeks into it he pulls a 180…

He suddenly pulls back and you’ll probably get something like, “I just can’t…I need space, I like you so much but this is very overwhelming for me…I like you too much, I’m scared.” 

You are not the Loch Ness monster – if you ever hear the words “I was scared” as an excuse as to why he suddenly needs space from you – run. Being hot and cold doesn’t mean he is enigmatic – he’s just a douche. If you like and respect someone, you want to spend time with them, you don’t do things that will hurt them, period.

2. You constantly have to bend over backward and put your feelings aside because, you know, his inner world is just so deep and complicated.

At first, he’ll seem so thoughtful and cultured – so perplexing. But then you start to feel like you have to tiptoe around him because he’s so sensitive, and you don’t want to mess up his creative process/mood or seem like you don’t “get” it. Yeah, this guy is a douche. Your inner world is probably much richer than his, but you’re just a badass down to Mars female and you don’t feel the need to make it all about you. If you find yourself listening to him for hours about how delicate and perplexing his emotions are, run away. He’s not that complicated – he’s an egotistical douchelord.

3. He tells you he is so depressed, and that’s the reason for his recent behavior…

Yeah, he’s so depressed that he just had to contact all those girls…because of his, you know..depression…We all have issues – don’t take that as an excuse from a manipulative douchelord. He just needs attention and validation from the opposite sex, end of story. If he was so depressed he wouldn’t have the energy to go out and initiate contact with other chicks in the first place.

4. He tells you that he’s in a very difficult time in his life and that he can’t give you what you deserve.

He’s just, you know, so complicated…At first, you might think what he’s telling you is really nice. “Omg, he likes me SO much that he just wants me to have the best and he is looking out for my happiness.”

Yeah – basically he’s just telling you he doesn’t want to put in the effort that it will take to be with you. He’s lazy and you are not worth enough to him to make the effort – he knows that by telling you that you deserve the best and that he’s going through a really rough time in his life, he’s got the golden ticket that will get him out of your anger. If you hear those words, believe him, and run the other way. #IDFWU

5. He tells you he doesn’t need this drama in his life, that you’re too controlling and demanding.

Translation: He wants things his way. As soon as you challenge him, he will throw a tantrum. He will say you’re “too much” and “crazy,” and you’re just too jealous and need to work on yourself. The reality is this guy is manipulative douchelord. By making you the “crazy” one, there is no responsibility on his part. Manipulative douchelords are not complicated – they just have no accountability and nothing is ever their fault. They’re perfect; and you’re a crazy bitch, end of story. Capiche?

6. He’ll message you from time to time and say something incredibly romantic.

Every so often, you’ll wake up to a text or a Facebook message from him, something about how he can’t stop thinking of you, or how he wants to see you, or how he never got over you. It will fill you with a sudden whoosh of excitement and hope. “Oh he finally processed his feelings, it took him some time because he’s complicated…” 

Yeah, he just likes you so much that he had to be away from you for three months to process all his overwhelming emotions because you know, he likes you that much.

Don’t even bother with a response. No matter how carefully you’ll try to reply to his messages — to seem casually interested, but not like you’re invested in his sudden attention — after you give him what he wants, he’ll fade away again, and you’ll somehow be left feeling desperate, even if he’s the one who reached out to you.