The Truth Is, You Should’ve Been A Better Man

You were a complicated man. I didn’t think it mattered. I knew I had feelings for you and cared about you deeply but I just thought if I wanted to, I could make those feelings go away. I didn’t realize how hard I was falling for you and how real these feelings were.

I’ve always been good at protecting my heart. Extremely selective on who I gave bits and pieces too and I always, always did my best to listen to logic over the pitter patters of my heart.  And truthfully, I didn’t think it would be different with you.

I thought I could be around you, talk all day and night to you, and let you into my life without anything changing…without my heart-attaching to anything.

But I was wrong. I was wrong about it all, what I thought, how I felt…everything. I was even wrong about you.

I’ve escaped mediocre love before. I know what a toxic relationship looks like and I know my worth well enough to know when to walk away.

I’m not naive, I know how fragile a heart can be and I don’t risk a break for anyone.

That’s why I kept my guard up with you for so long, only giving you the layers I thought you could handle. I didn’t overthink this, I expected you to be like every other guy. But when you kept fighting to break down my wall and for a place in my heart, I started to think differently.

I started to believe in you because you, and only you, gave me a reason to. I didn’t need you to make feel special, but you did. I didn’t need you to lift me up when I struggled with my inner demons, but you did. I was scared to dive into such a big love, but you told me you were my safety net.

I wasn’t naive. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t overthinking anything.

Whatever you said, I took verbatim. Whatever you did, I believed in faithfully. I had no reason to. You were loving me in a way no one else has before. There were no narcissistic red flags, and this didn’t feel toxic. This felt so real that when you ended it, I was completely blindsided.

You gave me a love I’ve never felt before and then you gave me a feeling of complete hopelessness. It was the hardest fall and I don’t blame you for not catching me. It’s life, it’s the risk of finding love and I’m proud of myself for giving love a chance.

I won’t ever forget what we had. And I want you to know I won’t ever forgive you. I never have and I never will blame you for this not working, because I can’t hold it against you for not wanting this. But I will never forgive you for how you handle this.

You went from making me feel like everything to absolutely nothing.

You knew full well the effect you had on me, my heart and my world and you didn’t have the decency to show a touch of compassion. You walked away so fast and easily, you didn’t even see my heart break to pieces.

You didn’t have to love me for the rest of your life if that’s not what you felt. You didn’t have to apologize for putting your needs and wants first. But you could have been a better man. You could have at least acted like what we had meant something more than just a fleeting moment.